Patti. AKA: The Psycho, Head Case, Nut Job and other various terms that colorfully mean "crazy." She spends her time lusting and chasing after Clay in a feeble attempt to make him know she's alive and desperately avoid his attempts to change that fact. Delusional and dangerous, but full of love and creativity...all dedicated to one thing...THE CLAY.

Clay. AKA: The Clay, The Aiken, Clay Clay, Cha Cha, The Beauty. The most graceful, humblest, well-mannered, beautiful, sexy-without-trying-to-be, honey soprano ever to walk the earth. Ever, I say. God bless the woman who made him and his size 12 feet.

Alyssa. AKA: Alyssa The Genius. She cares nothing about The Aiken or anything else. She's never heard his album and doesn't care to. She's Patti's accomplice in this game of hearts. She good-naturedly(albeit with an evil smirk) hunts down the prey at Patti's side. Since she is always loaded with spending cash, she is the one called to bail Patti out of jail.

Maya inhabits the earth only to be forced by Patti to assist her in her half baked schemes to get noticed by The Aiken. She foils the plans with her tom foolery because secretly she wants Clay all to herself.

Pat. AKA Patrick. P'Trick. The real love of the pyscho's life. He tolerates the obsession of his lady fair. What else can he do, they're in a lease.

Jason. AKA Jason. The younger brother of the girl they call Patti. He is often dragged along on adventures such as concerts and failed American Idol auditions.

Kimberley. AKA: Locke, Her, Third Place, Locke. Patti's sworn enemy. They're not dating and they're not in love. But they do live together and he loooooooves her. If you love her so much, why don't you marry her?! Living in the same house as The Clay automatically makes her mortal enemy number 1. It is Patti's mission in life to destroy her.

Kelly Clarkson...the big mouthed, big hipped, too talkative Texan with a lucky streak. First she wins American Idol, then she gets to tour alongside "The Clay." Anyone that lucky should be demolished. If you care to disagree, you can be added to the list

Ryan Seacrest. AKA: Ryan. Seacrest. A man less than stealthy in his attempts to secretly woo Patti. He stalks her with a fervor only matched by her love for Clay. He will not be denied her love. But she will continue to deny him anyway.