After playing the slot machines for hours, coupled with all the cigarette smoke, my eyes were raw and next to useless. The casino had a strip joint inside. It was a classy place with clean table and fancy strobe lights around the room. Still, I had avoided it like the plague all night. But while walking by with bloodshot eyes, my glance went in the door. A spiky-haired gentleman was warming up on the stage. I swore to all that is good it was Clay. Everything was a bit fuzzy, but he his skin appeared pale and freckled. His body thin and tall, wearing nothing but a Speedo.

I rushed to the cashier and changed my $500 gambling winnings in for one-dollar bills. As soon as I stepped back in the doorway of the strip joint, the lights when out and music came on.

Hey DJ, put a record on -
I wanna dance with my baby.

From the light of the disco ball, I could make out two other girls, each sitting on opposite sides. Other than the three of us, the room was empty.

I made my way up to the middle table right in front of the stage. The man I was sure was Clay came out to shake his groove thing in my face. I couldn't make out his features, but he was lanky and moved just like Clayton Aiken would. I whooped and hollered and stuffed crumpled dollar bills into the waistband of his Speedos.

Hey DJ, put a record on -
I wanna dance with my baby.

Two hours later, three security guards sauntered into the room. My first instinct was to run, but this time I knew I hadn't done anything. Clay and I were both consenting adults, both consenting to the lap dance I was now receiving. My 12th of the night.

"There she is!" One of the guards yelled. I jumped out of my seat and prepared to bolt, but they went over to the girl on the left side of the room.

"Come with us, Jenn."

"NO!" She screamed. They grabbed her feet and started pulling her towards the door. She cried out the name Ryan as she was being yanked towards the exit.

She flipped her body over and her feet escaped the guards' grasp. She ran back into the room and straight into a pole, knocking herself out. The security guards pulled her unconscious body out of the room. As she was being pulled away, the lights from the disco ball reflected off of her footwear. They were hooker boots. 6 inches tall, grey with red trim. They were flashy and beautiful. I made note to buy a pair and force Clayton to wear them.

Neither Clay, nor the other girl noticed the scene that had just gone on. The girl pulled her bra out through her sleeve and swung it in circles over her head. She kept yelling, "Remember the name Brittney! You'll be screaming it on our wedding night!"

I gasped and was seethed with anger. Didn't she know it was MY name he'd be screaming on his wedding night? I tossed an empty beer bottle at her. It bounced off her head, but didn't faze her. She just kept yelling her little wedding spiel.

An hour later the lights came on. I blinked away the bright glare. When I could see again, the girl who called herself Brittney was making her way towards the stage. She was wearing a shirt that had a picture of Ryan on it. It said, "Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you".

I turned my eyes back towards the stripper Clay. He wasn't Clay at all. He wasn't tall, nor was he pale or freckly. He was tan. He was short. And there was nothing lanky about him. He had pecs Clayton could only dream about. I stood up and walked towards him. It was Ryan Seacrest. I screamed. Our eyes met and he beamed.

"Seacrest!"

He took a few steps towards me. "Say my name again." I took a few steps backwards. "For the love of all that is holy put some pants on!"

"You like it."

He reached into his Speedo and pulled out a crinkled dollar bill. He held it out to me.

I stepped behind a chair to shield myself from his dirty and pubey money.

"Why are you here?"

"This is my other job. Tonight's crowd was my biggest turnout."

"Don't quit your day job, Seacrest."

"Mmmmmmm. Call me Seacrest again."

When I got home, there was an envelope with $500 worth of crumpled bills. I boiled them in a big pot and then used them to buy a dozen Clay bobble head dolls.