Along the Vegas Strip is the hotel Bellagio. Out in front there is a large body of water that has a beautiful water fountain show every fifteen minutes. Mandy and I decided to stop by on our way to the Palace Station Casino.

No sooner than the fountain show started, music came over the intercoms that lined the walkway.

Slow motion for me -
Slow motion for me.

Mandy motioned to a head poking out of a suite window on the top floor of the Bellagio. A megaphone appeared in front of the head. A voice came through it, echoing across the Strip. "I LOVE YOU!!!!"

I like it like that -
She working that back -
I don't know how to act -
Slow motion for me.

I pulled out a pair of binoculars. All I could make out behind the megaphone was spiky hair and a pink shirt. When the figure saw me looking in his direction, he pulled the megaphone away from his face and winked. It was Ryan Seacrest. I refocused my binoculars to make sure it was him. He mouthed the words "I love you". It was Ryan alright.

"Oh God!" I yelled. "Why me?! WHY??!!"

Somewhere in Kansas, a tall redhead sat back in his tour bus, recalling a phone call from a few weeks before, and asked the very same question

"What?!" Mandy grabbed the binoculars from me to see for herself. "Who is that guy?"

"Seacrest."

She shrugged and said she didn't know who that was.

I yelled his name at the top of my lungs and shook my fist at him.

He put the megaphone back to his mouth. "CALL ME SEACREST AGAIN!!"

Before I could respond, the fountain show ended and the crowd began to move along the sidewalk. I was whisked away with them. I glanced back just in time to see Ryan jump out the window and dive into the body of water.

I grabbed Mandy's arm and we ran. We darted behind palm trees, light poles, and people. I didn't want Ryan to see where we went.

I wanted to run into the nearest casino, but she had a particular place in mind. There was a karaoke contest in the Palace Station Casino and apparently that was more important than me escaping the grubby paws of Mister Ryan Seacrest. Has she no understanding of friendship?

When we got to the casino, she ran into the bar and signed up for karaoke. We had to wait 3 hours and 27 minutes until her turn. Not that I was timing or anything. I spent those 3 hours (and 27 minutes) drinking cocktail after cocktail and following around every guy who bore a passing resemblance to Clay. I also tossed my name into the karaoke bin, so that I could sing an ode to The Beauty.

Finally, Mandy was called up to the stage. "Patti is up after Mandy." The host announced into her microphone. A male voice whooped from the back of the bar.

I purchased three more cocktails and soaked them up while Mandy blew the crowd away with her rendition of "I'm Every Woman". I started thinking that, although he was no woman, I'd like to hear Clayton cover it. Cause anything I want done, he'll do it naturally.

Everyone in the bar erupted in applause when Mandy finished her song. Everyone except the man who had whooped earlier. He kept yelling, "Get off the stage!"

The host called my name and I stumbled to the stage. I grabbed a cocktail out of someone's hand as I passed and downed it in one giant gulp.

I struggled with the microphone for a few minutes trying to get it out of the stand. My efforts failed and I finally just kicked the stand and it fell to the ground, leaving the microphone in my hand.

"This song is dedicated to my secret lover." My voice slurred. "His name... is Clayton Holmes Aiken."

The man in the back booed. "Shut up!" I shouted, I threw my empty cup at him.

The music started and the words on the screen blurred. I needed something to hold on to, so I bent over to pick up the microphone stand. As I reached for it, I fell over and landed on my face.

"I'm okay!" I shouted, as I jumped to my feet and began to sing.

"Looking in your eyes, I see a paradise. This world that I've found is too good to be true."

Someone threw a tomato at me. It hit me in the forehead and fell to the floor. But I showed them. I picked it up and ate it. The strange man in the back yelled again. "Show some respect for the performers!" He threw a coaster at the tomato slinger.

I continued my ode. "And if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other. Nothing's gonna stop us now."

At this point in the song, I fell forward and passed out on the table in front of me. When I woke up, I was sitting back at our table with my head in Mandy's lap. I grabbed a handful of napkins and wiped my drool out of my face. I look towards the stage and saw Ryan Seacrest up there singing 'Sara Smile'.

"When I feel I can't go on, you come and hold me. It's you... and me forever."

He knelt down in front of our table to finish up his song.

"Sara smile. Won't you smile awhile for me."

The music ended, but he stayed down on his knees.

I lifted my head and said, "If you're singing that for me, my name isn't Sara."

"It's not for you... it's for her." He motioned towards Mandy. She asked him who the hell he was.

"Her name isn't Sara either."

He opened and shut his mouth several times, unable to come up with a response.

"You're out of excuses, Seacrest. Take a hike."

He stood up and handed the microphone to the next person in line. "At least walk me to my hotel room." He asked.

"I will do no such thing!!" Then I passed out again.

I woke up hours later in Ryan's hotel room. Luckily, he was not in the bed and I was still fully clothed. After the incident in the backseat of his car, I had a chastity belt installed. I gave one key to Pat and mailed the other to Clayton. No one else was getting near these goods.

As I snuck out of the room and back to the casino, I wondered where Mandy had been when Ryan had brought me to his room and why she hadn't stopped him. I guess it takes Vegas to find out what kind of friends you have.