I woke this morning to the sound of thousands lining up across the street. I rushed into the tent to wake Mandy up, but she was already gone. Now I had to walk past that crowd with my morning hair alone. "Nice to know who your friends are." I mumbled.

I put on my audition outfit, which consisted of jeans with holes in the knee and a purple hoody. I wasn't dressin' up for nothin'. Mandy went all out, but not I.

I put on a fedora and a scarf and slipped into the building. The line into the ladies room was out the door, so I walked straight into the men's room. I went to the first sink and shoved a guy who was shaving out of the way. He dropped his razor and cursed at me. I took off my hat and placed it on his head. I whipped my scarf on to the floor.

"Dude, it's a girl!"

I glare at him. I was here to wash my hair and he wasn't going to stop me. I had my head under the water, scrubbing my scalp, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of red hair. I pulled my head out and came face to face with a guy who looked just like pre-make over Clay. He was too short to be Clay, but he looked enough like him to make me scream at the top of my lungs. He jumped and all the boys turned to look at me. I ran towards him and his arms flew out in terror. Wishful thinking said it was a loving gesture, but he looked terrified. Just before I reached him, my foot landed on the scarf I had thrown down. My feet flew out from underneath me and I landed on my back. I heard something crack. I screamed. Shampoo ran down into my eyes. I screamed. The Clay look-alike ran out of the room. I screamed.

Ryan appeared kneeling in front of me. I screamed louder. His hands moved rapidly over my head. The next thing I knew my hair was cleaned, combed, and dried. He picked me up in his arms and carried me out of the bathroom. He said he would take me to my seat.

I leaned against him and spoke in a tiny voice, "Ryan..."

"Yes, my sweet."

"What does Clay smell like? Does he smell like a Daffodil?"

"Um... I don't know."

"What about Heaven? Does he smell like Heaven?"

"I really don't know."

"I bet he smells like a million angels."

He stepped over dozens of sleeping bodies and brought me into the auditorium. Mandy was already there. He sat me down in my seat next to hers and headed out. How sweet. I thought to myself. He must have read my mind because he came back and planted a wet kiss on my cheek. "Ew! Seacrest!" He flew out like a flash.

I had a minor setback inside the dome, which almost resulted in my missing the auditions. Before the auditions started, producer Nigel Lithgow came out to give us a little pep talk. I zoned out until I head Clay's name. I perked up just in time to hear him say Clay's ears looked like satellite dishes. I let out a roar that silenced the entire crowd.

I jumped out of my seat and ran down the aisle. Then I climbed onto the field and charged at him. Security guards lunged at me, but I pushed them out of the way. I heard someone yell, "Damn! She should play for the Rams!" I pounced on Nigel's back and pounded my tiny fists on his head.

"Ow!!"

"Clay is the very definition of beauty and will not be spoken about that way!"

I was pried off, handcuffed, and led off the field by a big security guard. "Clay Aiken rules!!!" I yelled over my shoulder. The crowd cheered in agreement.

I was taken back into a little security office hidden deep in the building. The guy made me sit down while he filled out some paperwork. I sat still, mumbling to the guy the reasons why I love Clay. He ignored me.

Ryan Seacrest popped his head in the door.

"Seacrest!" I furred my brow.

He looked at me and winked. "Thank you, but there's no time for that right now." He walked over to the security guard. "She's with me!"

"No! I'm not!"

He laughed. "She's such a joker."

The security guard glanced over at me. "If she's with you, Mr. Seacrest, she's free to go."

"I'm not with him! Take me to jail! Please take me to jail!" I fell to my knees at his feet. "For the love of God take me to jail!"

"Patti." Ryan winked again. "If you don't audition, you'll never meet your lover boy Clay."

I hopped to my feet and looked at the security guard with all seriousness. "I'm with him."

He uncuffed me and Ryan led me out the door by my arm. We walked down the hall in silence. When we got to the door of the audition room, he stopped and turned to face me. He gave me a toothy grin like he was thinking of something naughty.

"Knock it off, creep!"

He tossed his head back and laughed heartily. He sauntered close to me and put his arm around my shoulder. "Wanna make out?"

"With you? No."

"Look, we both know you're not here to be an American Idol. But your friend... your friend is."

"And your point?"

He motioned towards a janitor's closet on the other side of the hall. "Make out with me in that closet and I'll make sure your friend sees the bright lights of the stage."

"Is that a bribe?"

"Yes."

"What kind of a hussy do you take me for?"

He shrugged and smiled. I knew he was remembering that night in the Porsche.

"She doesn't need your help. Besides, even if she did I'm not THAT good of a friend."

He took his arm off my shoulder. "That's too bad. She'll be heartbroken to hear that."

Mandy came walking over to us and picked up the tail end of the conversation. "Who will be heartbroken?"

"Nothing." I said.

She looked Ryan up and down. "Who's he?"

"I don't know." I lied as I tugged her away from Ryan. I whispered the story to her. She forced a smile. "Well I... I wouldn't expect you to do a thing like that."

"Good." Relief washed over me. "You don't need my help anyway."

"Right." Her eyes started to mist. Damnit! Waterworks get me every time. "Fine! I'll do it! But when you win, you better hook me up with Clay Aiken!"

She clapped her hands with glee.

I went in search of Ryan, but he had disappeared. I didn't bother to continue looking for him.

I went back to the audition line to wait my turn. I had decided to forego the costume idea this year. Last season I auditioned dressed in a red telletubby costume. Simon said I was the worst singer in the room and Paula kindly said I should be a costume tester. So yeah, didn't help me out. This time I went in, bold as brass, wearing my everyday attire.

They sent us in as a group. There were two angry looked men sitting behind a table. They had us step forward four at a time. When it was my turn, they motioned for me to step up to the table. The man on the left asked me what I was going to sing. I clamped my mouth shut. I hadn't even thought about that part. I decided to try that honesty thing my mother was always preaching about. "I don't wanna sing. I don't wanna be an American Idol."

"Then why are you auditioning for American Idol?" The smartass on the right said.

"I wanna meet Clay Aiken."

Lefty gave me a quizzical look. "Didn't you audition last season? In a telletuby costume?"

"Uh... No. Must have been somebody else."

"Tell us why we should let you through to meet Clay."

I cleared my throat and spoke loudly. "Well, I heard that Michael Jackson is having a fan carry his baby for him."

"... Okay... and?" Smartass on the right again.

"And I'm hoping if I meet Clay, he'll proposition me with the same request."

They both stared blankly. Someone behind me snorted.

"I'll tell him, 'Sure I'll have your baby. But we're conceiving it the old fashioned way.' And he'll giggle and blush."

More blank stares from the two men and muffled laughter from a guy behind me. I took my shoe off and tossed it at him. Then I continued my speech. "Then I'll get pregnant, but I won't tell him for like 3 months so we can still have sex."

More muffled laughter from the peanut gallery. I heaved my other shoe at the men behind the table. I went on talking despite the snickers from all around. "Then I'll say 'It's not working. I think we should make out in a hot tub.' And he'll say he heard heat killed sperm. And he'll blush and giggle at the word sperm. I'll tell him he's been misinformed. Then we'll make out in the hot tub."

"No you won't!" A voice yelled from the other side of the door.

"Seacrest!" I yelled back.

"Don't let her thru!" He pushed the door open a crack. "Don't let her thru to the next round!"

I had no more shoes to throw, so I just shook my fist in his direction. He ran out of the room.

Both men declined to advance me to the second round. I shook my fist at both of them and left.

Mandy didn't make it thru either. I felt bad that I didn't whore myself to Ryan to get her to the next round, but he told me later on that he didn't hold any weight in it anyway. Dastard tricked me!!