I didn’t have tickets to tonight’s show. I was fairly disappointed, but instead of crying into my nachos, I decided to rent some of Clay’s favorite movies. I didn’t have a clue what those would be, but I figured they’d be something like ‘Pretty In Pink’ and ‘The Other Sister.’ I went to Blockbuster and picked up those two. I also got a movie that was missing its cover. It was in a clear case with ‘Tight Ends’ written across the cover in black sharpie.

I placed them on the counter along with 7 packs of milk duds and a package of popcorn. I handed the cashier my membership card.

“You owe $1.98 on your account. Do you want to take care of that now?”

“Yes.” I answered.

“All of it?”

Was she seriously asking me if I wanted to pay all of $1.98?

“No. I’m a little strapped for cash this week. I think I’ll pay only half. So as not to break the bank.” My sarcasm was completely lost on her. Ah mere mortal. I didn’t bother to tell her I was kidding. ‘Casper’ was playing on the TV and she was way too into it to notice anyway.

As I walked out the door to my car, Ryan came running towards me. “What’d ya get?! What’d ya get?!” He bounced around like a happy little boy.

“Tell your story walkin’, Seacrest. I’ve got things to do.”

He grabbed a video out of my hand. ‘Pretty In Pink’!! That’s my favorite movie ever! The title totally describes me, right?”

“Uh… right.” I took the video back from him.

I opened my car door and threw the videos across to the passenger seat.

“Can I come?” He asked.

“No. As you can see I’ve got videos to watch.” I climbed into the driver’s seat. “And phone calls to make.”

He smile turned downwards. “Phone calls to a certain Clay Aiken?”

“None of your damn business.”

I tried to pull my door shut but he grabbed it. “So can I call you tonight?”

“What did I just say I was doing tonight?”

“I know… But I was just thinking…” He shuffled his feet back and forth nervously. “Maybe we could get to know each other.”

“For the love of…” I pushed him out of the way and slammed my door shut. I started the engine and rolled the window down a crack. “I don’t want to get to know you, Seacrest.”

He stuck his finger in the crack. “Call me Seacrest again.”

I rolled the window up on his finger. He stuck his injured finger in his mouth as I turned on the radio. ‘I’m Coming Out’ was on. I rolled the window down an inch. “Hey Ry! It’s your song!” I laughed at the top of my lungs as I sped out of the parking lot.

At home, I left strict instructions with Pat not to bother me and locked myself in the bedroom.

10 minutes into ‘Pretty In Pink’ the phone rang. My caller ID, betraying me as it often does, refused to reveal who it was. After I paused the movie, I picked up the phone and listened.

I heard Ryan’s voice. “Hello? Hello?”

“Ryan!! What did I tell you?!”

“Were you on the phone with Clay?”

“Not yet.”

“I just wanted to ask you something.”

“Make it quick.”

“Why are you tempted by the fruit of another?”

“Because I love him.”

“Clay is a fluke!” He shouted.

“Insulting Clay to make yourself feel good. You’re a small man, Ryan Seacrest. A small man.”

“Au contraire, my love. I am indeed a big man.”

I heard his pants unzip.

“Oh God.”

“I’ll prove it. Do you have a picture phone?” He asked.

“Yes, but you are not sending me a picture of… that.”

“Suit yourself.”

His pants zipped back up.

“I gotta go.”

“Fine. I’m going to take a bubble bath and think of you.”

“You do that.” I said. “Except for the thinking about me part.”

I hung up and turned the movie back on.

I had the urge to call The Clay right away, but he was in the middle of a show. I paced the room for an hour as I finished ‘Pretty In Pink’. When it was over, I popped in ‘Tight Ends’. I don’t know what I expected the movie to be about, but I certainly didn’t expect to see three naked men boffing each other in a football team’s locker room.

I screamed. Then I rewinded the first scene and watched it again. And again. Pat knocked on the door and asked me what on earth I was watching. I shut the video off and stuttered that it was a “damn herbal essence commercial”, including that it was “dirty and smutty”.

“Have you been talking to that Aiken guy again?” He asked.

“No. Now leave me alone.”

He moved away from the door and went back to his business. As soon as he was out of earshot, I called Clayton. The phone rang quite a few times before he answered it.

“Hello?” It came out in a shout and in the background I could hear screaming girls.

“What’s going on over there?”

“The bus is just pulling away from the arena. There are fans everywhere.”

“Do me a favor and run over a few of them. They’re crazy.”

“They’re enthusiastic.”

“They can be just as enthusiastic underneath the wheels of your tour bus.”

He gasped. “That’s horrible!”

He told me to hold on so he could say goodbye to the fans. So I did.

20 minutes later, he came back. He was shocked that I was still holding.

“Talk dirty to me… or in your case, nerdy.”

“The cosine of 45 is… No! I am not doing this.”

"You do it bad anyway."

"Badly, hon. BADLY." He corrected.

I drooled over his braininess. My drool dripped into the phone and short circuited it. That ended our convo. But it also insured that Ryan wouldn’t be getting through.