I called home to check my answering machine messages this morning. The first message was a clip from a song. I had to play it over a few time to make out the words. It was the line "I made it with a redhead girl in the Chevrolet." From Billy Joel's 'Keepin' The Faith'. The next seven messages were the same. I shuddered and took a 45-minute shower.

I had left my shoes in the back seat of Ryan's Porsche, so I had to go out and buy a new pair. I also bought some new unmentionables from Victoria Secret.

I called a cab and arrived at the venue plenty early. As showtime got closer, I bounced around in my seat with excitement. I looked around the room to read all the crazy fan signs. There was quite a lack of them. In fact, there wasn't a single one. "Good." I said to myself. That way mine would grab Clay's attention.

I unrolled my sign to take a last look at it. It was beautifully rainbow colored poster board. In a giant fancy font it said "Clay Aiken Is The Shiznit." As I was rolling it back up, I noticed the room was full of metal heads. I was at the wrong venue! The cab driver must have misunderstood the directions I gave him.

I tried to squeeze out of the aisle, but the show was starting. I was picked up and body surfed across the crowd. Guys kept grabbing my butt. I was passed around above the crowd for about 45 minutes when Ryan Seacrest was passed along side of me. He shouted that guys kept grabbing his butt. I told him I had no sympathy and to bug off.

"I think there's an exit over there!" He yelled over the crowd.

"I'm not going anywhere with you, you sick bastard!" I slapped him with my rolled up sign.

He laughed. I slapped him again. "Don't you have a show to be taping?"

He took advantage of the noise level. "You want me to show you what?!" He reached for his belt and I hit him repeatedly with my sign, yelling, "You sick bastard!"

Coincidentally, the band Noisehead had a song called 'You Sick Bastard'. The crowd thought I was chanting for the song, so they joined in. The band started playing the song and Ryan and I were separated in the commotion of the crowd. I couldn't take it anymore. I unrolled my sign and held it up over my head. I chanted "Down with Noisehead! Bring on The Clay!" After a few rounds, I was body surfed to the back door and tossed in a dumpster.