I was surfing through the internet for pictures of my dearest Clayton, as I often do, when I stumbled upon THIS PICTURE(click to see it). I was enraged. It was dirty. It was smutty. It was dirty smutty. It was somebody other than me. Only later did I realize it was also beautiful.

After I threw my chair out the window, I noticed that he was holding those boobs like a man holding his very first. Damn him! He was supposed to save himself for me. How dare he betray my loyalties!!

I printed the picture out and set it on fire. Then I went on a three hour drinking binge until I had Vodka and Long Island Iced Teas coming out of my ear.

With tear stained eyes and a vomit-covered shirt, I sat down to look at the picture one more time before I blew up my computer. It was then that I realized the picture was magnificently beautiful. The only problem was the jugs in it weren't mine. But I was going to change that. Oh yes, I was.

I changed into a clean button down shirt, for easy access. Then I grabbed my camera and headed downtown. When I got to an area that Clay frequents, I prepared myself. Boob in left hand, camera in right. Every time I saw a hint of red hair, I jumped in front of the guy and yelled, "Grab it!"

Not a single person took me up on my offer... except Lindsay Lohan. She wouldn't let go. I thought maybe Clay had grown his hair long, that's the only reason I shoved my boobs in he face.

My endeavors eventually attracted the attention of the 5 o'clock news van... and the cops. They broke up the crowd and sent me home.

When my sore boob and I got home, Ryan Seacrest was pacing the sidewalk in front of my house. His hair had been died red and he was wearing an extremely ugly shirt. He tugged at the shirt while he sang 'Invisible' really loud. If you can call it singing.

"If I was invisible, then I could just watch me grab your boob. If I was invinci-"

"Seacrest!"

He stopped singing and turned to look at me. He winked.

"Knock if off, Seacrest! I know you're not Clay Aiken!"

"Call me Seacrest again."

I slammed the door and returned to my computer to Photoshop my face into the boob grab photo.