When I opened the front door this morning, a folded piece of paper fluttered to the ground and landed on my feet. I picked it up and unfolded it. It was a flyer. Written on it with purple marker in a sloppy, childlike scrawl were the words, “You have been cordially invited to the grand opening of Lady Brianna’s Nightclub on May 13, 2005 at 9 PM. Red heads get in free.” I was about to roll it into a ball and toss it onto the front lawn when I noticed at the bottom was scribbled, ‘Clay Aiken theme night’. Anything with Clay’s name on it will rope me in right away. I called Jenn and Britt and we got spruced up and headed over to the club.

Britt and Jenn, donned in red wigs and bikinis, walked right on in the door. But when I got up to the front of the line, the bouncer stopped me from going in. “But I have red hair.” I said. He pointed to a sign on the wall next to him. ‘All Patrons Must Be Scantily Clad’. I looked down at my jeans and sweatshirt and argued that Clay wouldn’t approve.

“Sorry. Lady Brianna’s rules”. He said.

I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and handed it to him. “This is as scant as I get.” He looked over my Clay t-shirt, rolled his eyes, and motioned me inside.

Once inside, the blinding lights and pounding music made it hard for me to find my way around. I couldn’t find Britt and Jenn and I didn’t see anything related to a Clay theme. I was angry until one of his songs came on and then I loosened up and danced.

Britt came over and started dancing with me. “This club is so happening!” she shouted over the noise.

“God Britt, you’re so white!” Jenn shouted back as she came over with our drinks. As she handed me mine, someone bumped into me from behind and spilled my drink all over my shirt. I turned around to curse at the buxom blonde, but she interrupted trying to convince me to take my shirt off and let it dry. She introduced herself as Lady Brianna. She smiled widely and asked me to help her bring all the Clay related supplies out of storage. I tried not to notice how she cringed at the mention of his name.

As we walked into the back of the club, she explained that she’d been held up by personal business and hadn’t been able to set up everything in time for the club’s opening. She tripped over one of her high heels and giggled. I looked closer at her boobs and realized one was about 2 inches higher than the other. I’m not one to question physical defects, so I didn’t say a word. And I tried not to stare.

She led me over to the door of a freezer locker.

“You store your supplies in a freezer?”

She grabbed the handle and turned to look at me, “Oh no, silly.” She giggled. “It’s turned off, so technically it’s not a freezer anymore.”

The way she annunciated every single word was familiar. It was even more familiar when she brushed a strand of hair behind my ear and told me how lovely I looked. When I gave her a looked of disgust, she laughed loudly and pulled the door open.

I stepped inside the freezer after her and looked around for a light switch. She was right about the freezer bring turned off. It was hot and stuffy.

“Come further in.” She grabbed my arm and yanked me all the way inside. I heard the door slam shut behind me. The pitch blackness made my head spin and my heart pound. I screeched and felt around the small dark room for the door handle as my claustrophobia began to set in. When I finally found the handle, I grabbed it and pulled as hard as I could. It was locked. “Let me out!! Let me out!”

I screamed when Lady Brianna’s arms touched my shoulders. I heard her voice telling me to calm down, but all I felt was the room closing in on me. “Let me out!!!” I screamed hysterically.

A light came on behind me. I turned around and saw a chain hanging from a light above my head. “Open the door!” I screamed.

“Okay okay.” She said. “You just flip this little switch and then pull the handle.” She gave the handle a couple of good tugs and it fell off in her hands. “Oops. That wasn’t supposed to happen.” I screamed again.

“Relax. Someone will come along and let us out.”

“No!” I screamed hysterically. “We’re going to starve to death and die in here!”

“Let me sooth you with some soft sounds.”

“No… what?”

Then I remembered what we had came in the room for and thought maybe the Clay supplies, whatever they were, would soothe me in my dimly lit prison. I looked around the room but it was completely empty. “There’s nothing in here. Where are these so-called supplies?”

“Well…”

Probably because I watch too much Law and Order, I came to the conclusion that she had led me into that freezer to rape, murder, and possibly mutilate me. I started screaming again, at the top of my lungs. I ran over to the door and pounded on it yelling, “You won’t kill me! I won’t go down without a fight!”

She grabbed hold of me causing me to scream louder. I swung my arms back against her. When I brought my arms back forward something was stuck on my watch. It was a wig. Lady Brianna’s wig. I turned to look at her face and gasped. “Seacrest!”

He fluttered his eyelashes and smiled slyly.

“I thought I sensed desperation. Why are you dressed like that?” I demanded to know.

“Well, I thought the shoes went nice with my eyes and although this bra is a little tight I thought it accentuated my natural-“

“No.” I interrupted. “I mean, why on earth did you open a night club under the guise of a woman?”

He pulled a newspaper article out of his bra and handed it to me. I unfolded it and read the headline out loud. “Ryan Seacrest dies in bizarre toastmaster accident.”

I looked over at his very alive body and pinched his arm to see if he was really alive.

“Ow!”

“You’re not dead. Why does this newspaper say you’re dead?”

“I faked my own death and reinvented myself so you’d fall in love with me.”

“I’m not even a lesbian. What made you think I could fall in love with you as a chick?”

He shrugged. “I thought maybe I could win you over with my charm.”

“But you’re still you!”

He kept his head down as he played nervously with the hem of his dress. He opened his mouth to say something but choked on the words.

“You’ve fallen off your nut, Seacrest. I think maybe you need professional help.”

“I’ve been told so.”

“As have I.”

“You know,” he said softly. “We’re so different, yet… so similar.”

He was right. I was struck by his statement so much that I let a moment of silence linger between us making him think he had the go ahead to kiss me. He closed his eyes, puckered his lips, and leaned in. I put my palm to his forehead and roughly pushed his head away. “I’d rather kiss a cockroach.”

He glanced south of his naval and then back up at me with a smirk on his lips. I slapped him across the face. He looked stunned for a few seconds and then he started to cry.

“I didn’t hit you that hard.” I started to feel bad. I had never seen him so human. Or human at all. These tears were real. Not like the time he cried and said he couldn’t feel anything in his left nut and needed me to squeeze it to save his life.

Sobs racked his body as he cried harder. I started to feel worse and couldn’t take it anymore. Ryan wasn’t supposed to evoke such emotions in me. I had to make it stop. I banged and kicked on the freezer door, yelling for help until my voice grew hoarse. I sunk to the floor beside Ryan. He was still weeping.

He wiped his nose on his sleeve. “This is all my fault. You must hate me.”

“Oh Ryan.” I said softly and gently as I stroked his hair back. “Of course I do.”

He wept harder.

“It’s what makes us US.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“I know I am.” I spoke softly as I wiped a tear off his cheek with my thumb. “Now move as far away from me as possible.”

He back into a corner and I backed into another. We were both quiet for a few minutes. Then I asked the question I’d been wondering for over a year. “Why do you like me?”

“Why don’t I like you?”

I stared at him waiting for him to answer. We sat in silence for a few more minutes. “To sum it up in simple terms, your beauty slapped me in the face and called me its bitch.”

He sounded sincere. Very sincere. “No one’s ever said that before… it’s beautiful. It almost makes me want to hug you.”

He outstretched his arms and scooted towards me. “I said almost, Seacrest.” He put his arms back down, but continued scooting until he was sitting facing me cross legged, with our knees touching.

He looked me over for a few minutes. “Will you be my life partner?” He asked.

“What? No! Ew!”

“What we have-“

“What we have?” I interrupted him. “Don’t flatter yourself, Seacrest. I’d rather have crabs.”

“What we have,” he continued, ignoring me. “It’s bigger than you. It’s bigger than me. If we fell in love, we’d right the balance of the Earth.”

“What movie did you steal that from?”

“I didn’t steal it from any movie!”

“I’d ask what book you stole it from, but I have a hard time convincing myself you can read.”

“I have my own radio show!”

I glared at him and watched the silent tears fall down his cheek. The tears were melting my heart and I didn’t like it. It was worse than being trapped in a horror movie.

“If it’ll make you feel better, you can soothe me with those soft sounds.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You can hold me too.”

He moved over next to me and wrapped his arms around me. “Touch the boobage and you’ll lose a limb.” I warned him.

He leaned his head against mine and started to rock back and forth.

“I didn’t say rock!” I shouted. I took off one of his pumps and hit him with it.

“Sorry.”

He held me in silence as I envisioned us dying in that position. He interrupted my thoughts when he started to sing. “It was plain to see that a Small town boy like me just wasn't your cup of tea. I was wishful thinkin'. I gave you my heart and I tried to make you happy. But you gave me nothin' in return.”

I picked up the rest of the verse. “You know it ain't so hard to say… would you please just go away.”

We finished off the chorus together. “Good times never felt so good. Sail on, honey. Good times never felt so good.”

We were finally discovered by Britt as she was looking for a place to make out with a guy she’d met named Tank.