Clay was scheduled to appear on Jay Leno tonight. The show was being taped in Las Vegas, so I got on a plane and headed down there. Alone, of course. Maya was banned from the state of Nevada after an incident where she chased a bewildered JC Chasez around the city. Alyssa and I aren’t on speaking terms at the moment. Last week, she came over and drank my last Strawberry Crush... I don’t play that. So I landed in the city of Vegas all by my lonesome.

I went to the Tonight Show studios to get myself a ticket. A man standing outside the building sold me a front row ticket to the taping for $875.99.

Since Clay was not scheduled to arrive for a couple more hours, I went to get my hair done at Zeke’s Chicke Salon. The hairdresser was as gay as.... Well, a really gay guy.

He whistled while he worked. He whistled the song ...Whistle While You Work.... He never once asked me why I needed such an extravagant hairdo, which disturbed me. I finally had to bring it up. "Don’t you wonder why I’m getting my hair done?"

"Not really."

"I’m going to see Clay Aiken tonight. And I just might marry him."

He snickered. "Him and his glass doored closet."

"GASP!!" I turned around and grabbed the scissors out of his hand.

I pointed them at him. "How dare you?!"

He snatched the scissors back. "I just call ‘em how I sees ‘em, honey."

"I think you’re confusing him with Ryan Seacrest."

"HEY!" A screech came from my left. The man next to me turned around.

It was Ryan Seacrest.

He pointed his finger at me and glared. "How dare you?!"

"You tricked me into coming to see your show and now you have the nerve to sit there and ask me how dare I?"

He jumped out of his chair. "I don’t have time for this! I have to get my pores steamed."

He dusted the hair off of his pink satin shirt. "You’re not who I thought you were."

"That’s your fault for mistaking me for a porn star!"

"That’s not what I meant!" He glared at me and stomped towards the door.

I glared back. "Why don’t you go shave your bikini line!"

"My appointment isn’t until 3!" He paid his bill and turned to glare at me again.

"This is the last you’ll see of Ryan Seacrest, missy!"

I picked up a lock of my hair off the floor and tossed it at him. "Good riddance!"

He gasped shrilly, snapped his fingers, and twirled out the door.

I finished up my hair and took a cab back to the studio.

Upon arrival, I was told by the ticket man at the front door that my ticket was no good.

"This ticket is dated for yesterday’s show... and it's printed on the back of a Subway receipt."

I pointed to the date on the ticket. ."But look. It says May 11th."

"But today is the twelfth... and it’s still printed on the back of a Subway receipt."

"But I’m here to see Clay Aiken perform."

"Clay’s not scheduled to perform"

"Yes he is! The forums said so! The forums never lie!"

"I just got back from vacation, so I don’t really know what’s going on. But I do know Clay Aiken is not scheduled to perform tonight."

"I paid almost 900 bucks for this ticket!"

He looked at me like I had grown another head. "Tickets to this show are free."

I screamed.

I shoved the ticket man out of the way, ran into the building, and barged into Leno’s office. "You’ve got some explaining to do!"

"Who the hell are you?"

"Your peasant employee won’t let me into the show. I demand to see Clay Aiken!"

He smirked at me. "Clay was on the show yesterday."

I couldn’t believe my ears. "Yesterwhatnow?"

He stood up and smirked again. "Yesterday. It’s not today, but it was today the day before today, which would be yesterday."

"Oh so now you’re a comedian, huh?"

The smirk again. "Actually I am."

"We’ll see about that!" I stormed around the building throwing open office door after office door. Producer after producer told me Clay had been on yesterday. I didn’t believe any of them. I couldn’t have screwed up so badly.

Finally, someone showed me a videotape of Clay’s performance. I cried because he was beautiful. I cried because he said the word poo.... Then I cried when someone told me they’d probably never run that episode again. Then I cried when that same person burnt the videotape. Then I cried when I found out Clay was in LA to be on American Idol and I was missing it.

I cried all the way back home and I cried into 17 pints of Ben & Jerry’s.