I was watching some Clay videos when my phone began to ring. I ignored it, but it continued. The caller ID revealed that it was Ryan Seacrest. A voice in my brain told me not to pick it up. I figured it was the same voice that tried to convince me George Michael was straight, so I paid no heed to its warning.

"Hello?"

Ryan was too busy singing. "Damn! I wish I was your lover. I'll rock you-"

"HELLO?!!"

"Oh sorry. I didn't hear you pick up."

"I'm busy Seacrest. What do you want?"

"I was thinking... you should come out and see the show today. I'll get you tickets."

"I don't even watch your show on TV. Why would I wanna come out there and see it live?"

"Because I really need to see you."

He groaned almost painfully. It made me shudder. "What?"

"I mean... Kim Locke is going to be on the show. So you can apologize."

"Apologize?! For what?!"

"For attacking her on her own video shoot."

"I will not apologize! I spent a week in jail!"

I slammed the phone down.

It rang almost immediately.

"Listen to me, Seacrest! I will not apologize!"

"Call me Seacrest again."

"Seacrest." I reluctantly said.

"Okay, look. Here's the real reason you should come see the show."

"Okay. I'm listening." I yawned.

"Clay is going to be a special guest on the show."

"No. I'm sure the Claynation would be a-buzz about it."

"Well, it's a secret surprise I have. Please say you'll come."

"Well, since Clay's going to be there, I guess I can find the time."

"YES!!"

"What?"

"Um... nothing. You'll find two front row tickets in your mailbox... and don't bring any guys with you."

I hung up the phone and ran to the mailbox.

Sure enough, in the mailbox there were two front row tickets. There was also an anonymous love letter written on On Air letterhead. It read:

Hmmm. I wonder who it's from.

I ran over to Alyssa's and tried to drag her out of bed. She mumbled something about Elijah Wood and making out with Korean pop stars. I somehow managed to drag her out of bed and into the car. We high tailed it to the airport, Alyssa still in her pajamas. We went through our usual airport hassles, plus a few new ones. Supposedly you can't fly without a boarding pass and supposedly you have to buy a ticket to get on a plane. And supposedly you can't get on a plane with a pair of pliers or nail clippers in your pocket. I cursed Alyssa for not having her own private jet.

We had no trouble getting into the building this time, with our tickets and all. Who knew it was that easy. We were sitting in the aisle seats right in the front so that Ryan had to conveniently brush past me to get to the stage.

Ryan did his intros and then winked in my direction. "We have a special guest today. She flew all the way out here just to see my show."

I figured he was talking about someone else, because I certainly did not fly out to see him or his show. I flew out to see the beautiful Clayton Aiken.

Ryan pulled a bouquet of flowers out of nowhere and handed them to me. "That's a beautiful sign you brought."

"Um... I didn't bring a sign." I really didn't.

"Yes. And what a lovely sign it is."

I glanced around my section. Nobody in it had a sign. I told him so.

"There are plenty of signs." He insisted.

The only sign I saw was being held by a 14-year-old boy on the other side of the room. He looked a lot like my brother... come to think of it; I hadn't seen him since the Wal-mart incident. His sign said "Kim Locke Rocks My Socks Off".

Ryan leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "Enjoy the show sweetheart."

"Ew." I wiped my cheek with my sleeve.

He pulled his shirt off and tossed it towards me. It landed on Alyssa's hand. She let out a blood-curdling scream and bolted from the studio. "I'm blind!!"

Ryan winked and blew me a kiss. I beat the imaginary kiss to death with the bouquet of flowers.

I suffered through an uneventful 60 minutes of... uneventfullness, including a performance by Kim. I feared she would recognize me, but she didn't. During her performance I chanted. "Down with Kim! Up with Clay!" and "We want Clay!"

I heard somebody mumble, "Is she talking about that Atkins guy from American Pie?"

The boy with the sign, who may or may not have been my brother, threw his sharpie at me and yelled for me to shut up.

After Kim was done, Ryan brought all the guests to the stage and I thought for sure this was the moment he'd bring out the master of elegance. But no, he said his goodbyes and ended the show. That's when I realized I'd been had. He tricked me.

I glared across the room at him. He smiled and flexed his muscles. Hot tears stung my eyes.

I slowly got to my feet as tears tumbled down my cheeks. Ryan mouthed the word "what". I tossed my flowers to the ground and stormed out.

I stepped out the back door still bawling like a baby, and tripped over Alyssa who was sitting on the back steps scrubbing her eyes with a sponge. "Get up. We're going."

"What happened?"

"He tricked me! That bastard tricked me! Clay isn't even here!"

She shook her fist at the building. "Damn you Bryan Seacren! Damn you!!"

Ryan came out the door, still topless.

"You lied to me!" I yelled at him.

"I had to! I had to see you!"

"You don't toy with a woman's heart! Not when it comes to Clay Aiken!" I lunged for him, but Alyssa held me back. "You've seen the last of her, mister!" She yelled in his face.

She pulled me by the arm towards out rental car. "Come on, we're leaving. Back to a town where people are civilized."

I sniffed.

"And put a shirt on, Seabreast!" She yelled over her shoulder. "There are some things people never need to see."

I cried all the way to the car. All the way to the airport. All the way home. All the way through a pint of ice cream. I will get my revenge. Oh yes I will. Ryan Seacrest will get his just desserts.