After extensive convos with fellow Clay fans, it has come to my attention that rumors have been circulating that Clay and Ryan Seacrest are secret lovers. How it started, God only knows. But it led me to have a most troublesome nightmare. The dream opened in an empty cornfield. I thought Clay was staring deep into my eyes as he sang Captain and Tennille's 'Do That to Me One More Time'. What I thought was me was actually just a fire hydrant. It turned out he was singing to Ryan.

"Do that to me one more time. Once is never enough with a man like you. Do that to me one more time. I can never get enough of a man like you. Kiss me like you just did."

Ryan interrupted him and said he wanted to do some "smooth operating'" and they proceeded to make out on the hood of Ryan's Porsche. I awoke in a cold sweat before any clothing was taken off.

I've been known to have psychic dreams so I thought it best to call Clay and either confirm or deny the secret lover rumors. I knew he had a show tonight so I waited until late when I knew he'd be on the bus before I called his cell.

The phone rang 6 times before it was answered by a cheery Texan. Kelly, I presumed. "Hello?"

"Hello."

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"Who is this?"

"Kelly. Who is this?"

"Why are you answering Clayton's phone?"

"Cause he's a little tied up with Kim right now."

"You better be speaking figuratively!"

"Oh. Now I know who this is. He told me all about you."

"Why is he always telling people our business?!" I demanded to know.

She scoffed.

"Put Clay on."

"Clay doesn't want to hear anymore about your twisted carnal pleasures."

"Put him on the phone!"

"No!"

I heard Clay's voice in the background. "I need some ice cubes!"

"I hear him! Put him on the phone!"

I heard Clay's unmistakable giggle. "Is that for me?"

Kelly yelled no. He giggled and I heard a slight scuffle.

"Stop tickling me!" Kelly yelled.

Clay's breathy giggle came over the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello, Clayton."

"What's up?"

"What's this news about you now wanting to hear any more about my twisted carnal pleasures? Which aren't twisted, by the way!"

"Who told you that?"

"Kelly. Why did you say that to her?"

"I didn't!" He insisted. "I would never say the C word."

"What C word?"

"The one you just said. C-a-r... Heck! I can't even spell it."

"Do people actually use the word heck?"

"Yeah."

I heard Kim's voice yell. "Clay! I need you!"

"Look, I can't really talk right now." He said.

"I just needed to ask you something."

"Do you think it could wait? Kim is having a crisis."

"Hmmmm. Too bad."

"Yeah. She was attacked by some crazy girls two days in a row."

"There are some psychos out there."

"Yeah, I know. And she keeps running into the biggest one."

"Well, maybe she's not psycho. Maybe she was just driven by a passion she couldn't ignore."

Kim was frantically wailing in the background.

"Look, I gotta go."

"Wait. Just one question."

"Okay, but hurry."

"You and Seacrest... secret lovers or no?"

"Why on earth would you think that?"

"Cause I had a dream. You two were making out."

"Ew. Did you eat a plateful of microwaved tootsie rolls for dinner and then wash them down with a peanut butter and pickle sandwhich?"

"Yes!! Wow. It's like you've known me all my life."

"No. You did the same thing last week when you had that dream that I was making out with Eminem. And then the week before when you had the dream that you were making out with Courtney Cox."

"Yeah, but then she stopped me cause she said I looked like a 13 year old boy. Then I beat her up."

"Say, you didn't have anything to do with Kim's mauling today, did you?" He asked.

"What? That's crazy. How could you ask such a thing?"

"Patti." He said sternly.

"What? I can't hear you. You're breaking up!"

"Tell me the truth!!"

"I WAS WITH RYAN ALL DAY!!!"

"Ryan was working security!"

"What? Hello? Clayton, I can't hear you... the connections breaking up... you there? HELLO?"

I hung up the phone and unplugged it from the wall.

That was close. How did he know? Did I leave hairs at the crime scene again?