Courtesy of my maxed out credit card, Maya and I spent the night in our rental car. As soon as the sun rose this morning... and 5 more hours had passed, we drove over to the place where Kim Locke was shooting her '8th World Wonder' video. Thank God we weren't meeting Clay. We both looked and smelled like something that fell out of his ass.

We pulled up into the empty parking lot and parked our car. The far end of the parking lot was roped off. Ryan Seacrest, clad in a pink jumpsuit, stood at the entrance with a megaphone in his hand. "Back up, people! BACK UP!!"

Maya and I glanced at each other. Besides us and the man himself, the parking lot was empty. We approached him. I could tell by the look on his face that he was angry with me for ditching him yesterday. I didn't want to argue with him or be hit on, so I stood back behind Maya. She got up in his face. "What are you doing here, Crest?"

"This is my other other other job. Crowd control for the video shoot."

He lifted the megaphone to his mouth. "Single file line people!!"

His voice bellowed through the empty parking lot. A tumbleweed rolled through.

He lowered the megaphone and glared his eyes at me. "Well well well. Look who finally decided to show."

I decided to blame the whole ditching incident on Maya. "It was her fault! She made me do it!"

"Oh really?" He glowered at her. "Patti dear, your friend and I have much to discuss. If you'll just wait over there." He pointed towards a bed just inside the ropes. It had a white bedspread covered with rose petals.

I walked over there and stood next to the bed. He motioned for me to lie down on it. I sat on the floor.

He turned towards Maya and gave her a death glare. "What's the deal?"

She ignored him. "So, JC Chasez was on your show last month. Did he smell nice?"

"What? I don't know."

"What did he smell like, Ryan? Was his skin soft? And his butt, did it jiggle when he walked? His breath... how was the breath? Like a summer breeze, right?"

"Did his butt jiggle? I don't know! This isn't what I wanted to talk to you about."

She continued to ignore him. "So you think you can give a message to him?"

"I don't really know him."

"I'll give you a bottle of Gatorade to give to him. Cause in '100 Ways' he says, "So turn off your cell phone and crack out the Gatorade". She winked at him. "He'll know what it means."

Ryan looked at me to rescue him. I just shrugged my shoulders.

Maya noticed him looking my way. "If I give you Patti, will you give me his number?"

"I don't even know the guy!"

Maya stomped her foot and put her hands on her hips. "There is no need to get snippy, young man!"

"Uh... okay. Sorry." He looked over at me for help again. I feigned interest in one of the rose petals.

Maya pulled her backpack off of her shoulders. She unzipped it and pulled out a bottle of pink Gatorade. I could hear her rambling on about JC. "So I got the pink Gatorade. Do you think he'll consider me feminine? Because I am, ya know. He really likes those soft, simple kinds of girls. Pink Gatorade totally equals a soft, simple girl, right?"

Ryan took a couple of steps back in an attempt to sneak away. She grabbed him by his collar and pulled him back. "Oh my God, it's going to connect us for life. And my phone number... I have it written on the lid! Clever, right? Man, I'm good!"

Ryan's eyes begged me to take her away from him. I knew the poor man's pain, so I got up and headed back over to them.

Maya was still chattering away. "He's gonna get that Gatorade bottle and be like 'Thank you God!' and he'll look at heaven and the stars will twinkle just for him. And wherever I am... they'll twinkle too. And that's when I'll know! *sigh*"

I took the backpack from her and zipped it up. "Okay, let's go." I slung it over my shoulder and urged her away from Ryan. She went on talking. "Ever since I saw him sing 'Now and Forever' on the Mickey Mouse Club, I knew. I've always known Patti. I just know." She grabbed my shoulders and shook me.

As I wriggled out of her grasp, I noticed a building a few feet away. A giant sign on the door said "Kimberley Locke's Dressing Room".

"Dressing room! Now!" I grabbed her arm and pulled her along.

I pressed my ear to the door to make sure no one was inside before we ventured in. I heard the sound of a lawnmower coming from inside. "What the hell?"

I pushed the door open a crack and peeked inside, half-expecting to see a landscaper mowing the carpet. Instead, I saw Kim sleeping on the couch, snoring like a piece of machinery.

Maya took the backpack from me and snickered. "I have an idea." She unzipped the bag and pulled out a container of warm water. She tiptoed over to Kim and dipped her hand in the water. We stifled our laughter as a wet spot grew on the front of her pants. I let a loud laugh slip out. Maya slipped her hand over my mouth and we stood still as Kim started to stir. She rolled over and her snoring commenced.

Maya scolded me in a whisper. "If she hears us, she'll wake up and kill us to death!"

I tipped the backpack over and dumped our supplies on the floor. Then we went to work.

Maya dripped glue into Kim's eyeliner while I replaced her hair spray bottles with pink spray paint. I played around with Kim's cell phone while Maya stuck a spider in her shoe. I programmed Ryan's number under Clay's name. She won't be talking to Clay any more.

We played a few more silly pranks and then packed up our supplies and headed out. We waited behind a tree for the video shoot to start to further sabotage. I must have dozed off, because next thing I knew Maya was shaking me awake. "They've started shooting." I heard the sounds of "8th World Wonder" playing. I peaked out behind the tree. Kim was shaking her stuff for the camera. I turned to Maya to see if she shared the same shudder I just felt, but she was gone.

I heard a scream come from Kim's general direction. I stuck my head around the tree and saw Maya's hand firmly attached to Kim's head of hair, which, by the way, was pink. Maya was yanking her head back and forth and screaming something I couldn't really make out. I decided it best to keep myself hidden behind the tree, until I heard Kim yell "Clay! I need you!" I shot out from behind the tree and tore across the set. I jumped straight up in the air and body slammed myself down on top of Kim. I bounced off and hit the ground. The three of us rolled around in the dirt for a good ten minutes. I heard Ryan's garbled voice through his megaphone somewhere in the distance. Next thing I knew he was standing over us, dressed in a security outfit. He shouted into his megaphone. "Settle down, people!!"

I reached my foot up and kicked the megaphone out of his hand. "Get out of here, Seacrest!"

Maya stood up and faced him, crossing her arms and tapping her foot. "What are you doing in that ridiculous outfit?"

"My other job. Security."

I climbed to my feet, wiping the dust off my pants. "How many jobs do you need?!"

I heard police sirens headed our way. I looked at Ryan in disbelief. "You called the cops?!"

"I had to! It's my job."

He bent down and picked up his megaphone. "Why don't you scram before they get here? I'll make something up."

Maya and I started to walk away. Ryan reached out and grabbed her by her sleeve. "You can stay."

She yanked her arm out of his grasp. "I'm not going to jail!"

"We'll see what the police say when they get here."

I gave Ryan my best puppy dog face. "She's coming with me, Ry."

He blushed and spoke softly. "Okay."

We scurried out and headed for home. We'd had a busy two days, but we'd accomplished what we'd set out to do... sort of. We hadn't destroyed Kim, but we had dismantled her a bit.