This morning, Maya was hogging my computer (as usual) to browse through Popdirt.com, as she did every Wednesday morning. To entertain myself I was preparing an interpretive dance to 'Touch'. I was videotaping it as a special gift for a special someone.

I was halfway through my 'performance' when Maya called out to me. GRRRR!! I almost had it perfect that time, but I had to stop the tape and start over.

"I was gonna send this to Clay!" I yelled as I tossed a glare in her direction.

She ignored me. "Kim Locke is going to be on American Idol tonight."

"Oh no, she isn't!"

"Oh yes she is! It says so right here on Popdirt.com!"

"Popdirt.com is not the ultimate authority on Little Miss Third Place."

She motioned me over to the screen so I could take a look. She was right. Kim was going to be on American Idol. She was trying to step all up in Clay's territory.

I was about to pick up my darts and practice on my Kimberley Locke dartboard when I noticed something at the bottom of the page. "She's also filming a video tomorrow in LA! Let's go! We'll sabotage her American Idol performance!"

"And we can sabotage the video shoot!"

"If we have time."

She waved her hand. "Everywhere in LA takes twenty minutes."

"And how do you know?"

"Hello! I saw it in 'Clueless'. Get a Blockbuster card."

For once, I didn't have to drag Maya off the computer to accompany me. She wanted to destroy Locke as much as I did. On the flight, she kept punching her hand and screaming "You and me, Locke! You and me!!" Where the passionate hated came from, I do not know.

Before our plane had even pulled up to the gate, we jumped out and ran all the way to the AI studios. We ran up to my usual entrance at the back door. The security guard rolled his eyes. "You again?" He made no fuss as he pulled the door open and motioned us through. We headed down a hall I had never been in before. Maya pulled open the first door we came to. We knew right away it was Locke's from its lack of class. I've never been able to find Clay's dressing room, but of course Kim's is the first door I open.

I placed a cup of coffee I'd picked up in the hall on top of Kim's desk.

Nosy Maya poked her face in it. "What's that for?"

"It's coffee. She'll drink it... and maybe she'll be allergic."

She scoffed. "Nobody's allergic to coffee."

"Clay is."

Maya collapsed on the floor, bursting with laughter.

"Shut up!"

She stood up and wiped a tear away from her eye. "Okay. Okay. Now, first things first. You find John Stevens and sneak your way on to the stage as him again. When Kim comes out to perform, you jump on her back and bring her down."

"Excellent idea."

She pulled a bottle of itching powder out of her pocket and motioned towards Kim's wardrobe. "I've got my mission. And you've got yours." I headed back down the hallway we came from. The walls were lined with headshots of former American Idol contestants. I pulled Kim's picture off the wall and slid it underneath my arm. It would come in handy later. Two frames down from Kim's picture was Clay's. I traced my fingers along his picture. "My God, he's beautiful." I muttered out loud.

I felt a warm breath on my neck. My first thought was that Clay had finally come to his senses. I turned around ready to place my lips on his. I un-puckered my lips when I found myself nose to nose with a grinning Ryan Seacrest. "My God, you're beautiful." He whispered.

"Back off! You're creepin' me out!"

I whipped the picture of Kim out from under my arm and stuck it in his face. "Have you seen this girl?"

"I swear to God I haven't been seeing any girls! I love you and only you!"

I rolled my eyes. "Not are you seeing her. HAVE you seen her... today... in this building?"

"Oh. Why do you ask? Do you think I love her more than you? Cause that could never happen."

"Seacrest!"

"So sexy." He whispered.

A crash came from Kimberley's dressing room. Ryan turned his head down the hall. "What was that?!"

"Um... probably just the sound of... your love... for me."

I cringed.

He turned back to me and grinned from ear to ear. "Yeah probably."

I heard Maya whisper yell my name from the door of the dressing room. She mouthed something I couldn't make out.

"Extract him? From what?" I whispered back.

She shook her head and mouthed it again.

"What about a tack?" I whispered.

"DISTRACT!!" She yelled.

Ryan turned his head toward her voice. I put my hand on his cheek to stop him from turning all the way around. "Oh Ry Ry. How about a kiss?"

His eyes lit up.

Out the corner of my eye, I saw Kim approaching her dressing room. I grabbed Ryan's face and smashed my lips against his. I angled us so I could see down the hallway. As Kim neared her door, Maya's arm flew out and grabbed her by the hair. She let out a sound not unlike that of a wild animal as she was yanked into the room.

I saw Ryan's eyes open in wonderment at the sound. He started to pull away. I jumped up into his arms and wrapped my legs around his waist. "Take me to your dressing room."

He needed no further prompting. He took off running down the hall.

When we got to his dressing room, I told him to make himself at home while I slipped into something a little more comfortable. Like a fistfight.

I headed back to Kim's dressing room. When I got to the door, I heard scuffling and screaming coming from inside. I threw open the door. Maya had Kim pinned to the floor and was pouring my cup of hot coffee down her shirt. Kim was screaming and pulling Maya's hair. I had to get in on this.

"I'm kickin' ass and takin' names!!" I let out a Zena-esque war cry and charged into the room. I pounced on top of the two of them in an effort to take Kim out. I got in a few hair tugs and scratches before I heard the sound of security guards coming down the hall. You can tell it's them by the sound of their keys jingling.

"It's the feds!" I jumped off of Kim and pulled Maya with me towards the window.

Maya started to unlock the window but stopped and turned back again. "WAIT! I must do this... I must."

"Have you ever heard of a place called jail?!" I pried the window open.

"Screw jail time! There's something I have to do." She ran back to Kim and gave her a wedgie.

She ran and jumped out the window.

I turned back to face my nemesis. "We'll meet again, Locke. Oh yes, we'll meet again."

I jumped out the window after Maya.

Now maybe we were a tad bit irrational, but we had to set Kim straight on her position in this relationship.