While parusing the internet the other day, I stumbled upon a site which sold spells; love, lust, blah, etc. I quickly pulled out Pat’s credit card and ordered the spell for love. I paid an extra $19.95 to have it expressed shipped. To them, express must mean 6 days, cause that’s how long it took to get here. I expected overnight service, but whatever.

It arrived this morning along with some Bruce Lee action figures which I bought off of Ebay last week. To my luck there was a full moon tonight. Well, close enough to be full.

I immediately called Jenn and Britt and told them to meet me at 11:00 tonight in the park underneath the big tree.

“Which one?” Jenn asked. “There’s like a million.”

“The one Ryan tried to get me to have sex behind.”

“Which time?”

“Yesterday. Look for the pile of ashes. I burnt my clothes after he rubbed his naked chest against them.”

“If I come, can I rub Ryan’s chest?” Britt asked.

“Just be there.”

“Okay.”

“And wear all black.” I demanded.

By the time they arrived, 25 minutes late, I already had things set up. As instructed, I made a big circle of white 12 inch high candles around the tree. I was lighting them when the girls showed up.

“I brought coffee and donuts.” Britt announced.

“You don’t drink coffee and donuts when you do a love spell.” I grabbed one of the cups out of her hand and threw it. “My expresso!” She ran after it.

At midnight I gathered the three of us inside the circle of candles, with a picture of Clay laying face up in the center of us.

“We’re going to manipulate the natural order of things.” I announced.

“Isn’t that illegal?” Britt asked.

“No. Dangerous, yes. Illegal, not yet.”

I sprinkled the liquid spell around us.

“Ooh! Let’s play Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board!” Britt shouted.

“No!”

“This is the worst sleepover I’ve ever been to!”

I leaned over to Jenn and whispered, “Next time we cast a spell on someone, she stays home.”

We both glanced over at Britt, who was leaned over, sniffing the picture of Clay, and nodded to each other.

“Put that down!” I shouted as I slapped her hand.

She pouted and sat back up. We took hold of each other’s hands. Britt’s were sticky with coffee and powdered sugar. She wiped them in the dirt. “Ew.” I said as I grabbed hold of her wrist instead.

“Now, close your eyes and picture Clay’s sweet face and gentle heart while I read the spell.”

We swayed back and forth gently as I recited the spell from memory.

I waved my hand over the picture of Clay and repeated the last line of the spell. “You are beauty and your name is beauty. And your love is mine.”

“If this spell worked, let Clay call now.”

My cell phone rang. The three of us screamed.

I let go of their hands and picked up the phone. “Yes?”

“Hey baby.”

“God! Ryan! I can’t tie up the phone line!”

“I just had the sudden unexplainable urge to call you.”

I hung up on him.

The phone rang again. When I picked it up, Ryan was singing. “Tonight is the night for feeling alright. We’ll be making love the whole night through.”

I hung up in disgust.

Britt was leaning forward sniffing the picture of Clay again.

“Stop it!”

I grabbed the picture from her and smacked her with it.

When I looked closer at the picture, I noticed that it wasn’t the picture I had put there. “This is Ryan! Where’s the picture of Clay!”

“In my pocket.”

“Why is it in your pocket?”

“I was bored. I wanted to look at Ryan.”

The phone rang at the mention of his name.

“Hey baby. I just had the sudden urge to take my pants off.”

I had to force my dinner back down as I shut the phone off.

“Oh my god! Look at this!” Jenn held up the spell package. “This is the spell of lust!”

“Oh my god! They sent me the wrong one!”

“Oh my god!” Britt shouted as she jumped to her feet.

“What’s wrong with them! Don’t they know you don’t put lust spells on Clayton Aiken?”

“You didn’t put a lust spell on Clay Aiken.” Jenn pointed out. “You put a lust spell on Ryan Seacrest.”

“Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.”

I started to feel sick to my stomach. Jenn fanned me with the photograph.

“Maybe if we burn something, it’ll go away.” I suggested. We took the candle flames and burned the picture of Ryan, the package, the wrapper, the directions, the surrounding grass, and for good measure, our shoes.

I called Clay on my cell phone, which I was also going to destroy as soon as I was done.

“Did your pants feel a bit peckish a few minutes ago?”

“No. But I did have the urge to eat some cocoa puffs.”

“OMG! I wanted some cocoa puffs yesterday! It’s a sign.”

“A sign that I need to hang up now.”

I was too high on the cocoa puff coincidence to argue. So I hung up and burnt the phone in our little bon fire. Then I shoved Brittney in a pond and ran home while she cried.