I woke up yesterday morning to an urgent email from a cyber pal of mine informing me that Clayton was on his way to Hawaii for vacation. I immediately called Britt and Jenn to make travel plans. Jenn opted out of going because she ate 11 chili cheese burritos on a dare the night before and couldn’t leave the bathroom.

I padded the inside of my bikini top to enhance my gems while Britt made our plane reservations. We smothered ourselves with copper tone and headed to the airport to catch our flight.

The in flight movie was ‘From Justin To Kelly’ and I wanted to throw myself out a window. “I hate this movie!” I yelled. “Ryan made me watch it and I almost had a seizure.”

Britt had a completely different opinion on the film. “This is the greatest movie ever!”

“Compared to what?”

“It’s like ‘Grease’ meets ‘American Idol’.”

“No. That might actually be cool. This is like ‘Grease 2’ meets ‘American Juniors’.”

She watched the movie while I wandered the plane in search of people to talk to about Clay. I saw a flight attendant that bore a striking resemblance to him and I tried to get him to make out with me in the bathroom, but he refused. Then I realized he was a girl. So basically, I tried to make out with myself.

When we finally landed I expected to see Ryan waiting in a hula skirt to welcome me. He’d put a lei on my head and say “I just leied you!” Then he’d hit on me and I’d push him into the path of a hungry shark. But he wasn’t there, and he didn’t hit on me, and I got a little misty eyed. Especially when I saw a school of hungry sharks circling our boat. Sometimes I miss him when he isn’t around to be a nuisance, but then I listen to all the voice mails of him singing ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ and I get over it.

Britt and I split up to scour the island looking for traces of the Clayton. My cyber pal told me Clay wanted to see the Oahu Blow Hole, which is a thing underwater that shoots water 30 feet up in the air. I thought I might find him there, so I asked a local man where I might find this blowhole. When I told him I hoped to find Clay Aiken there, he made a gay joke and I punched him in the neck. Then I reported him to the authorities and wrote a long letter to his employers. After I dropped off the letter, I headed over to the blowhole. Clay wasn’t there.

Britt and I were supposed to meet at 3PM at the Taco Hut, but when 3PM rolled around she wasn’t there. I found her a couple of hours later standing behind a dumpster.

“Where have you been?” I demanded to know.

“Scab told me to meet him here.”

“You’re supposed to be looking for Clay. And who the hell is Scab?”

“He sells jewelry. I’m gonna buy some crystal meth.”

“Crystal meth is not a jewelry.”

“Yes it is. I wanna feel pretty.”

“Why would a guy named Scabs sell you jewelry behind a dumpster? Think about it.”

“You’re just jealous!”

“If you get caught buying drugs, you are in so much trouble! I am not going down with you!”

I stormed off to sulk on the beach. I walked up and down the water’s edge until the sun set. I was a carving a heart into the wet sand when I heard Britt’s voice across the beach. She was dancing in a crowd with a beer bottle in her hand singing, “Where the true players at?” She disappeared back into the crowd but I could still hear her shouting over the party music. I watched the commotion for a few minutes. Part of me wanted to join the party, another part was depressed over not finding a single bit of evidence that Clay was even there, and another part wished Ryan was there so I could yell at him and feel better.

Suddenly I heard Clay’s voice bellow through the night air, but I couldn’t tell where he was coming from. I screamed his name and started running down the beach into the dark night. I heard his laughter getting closer. I tried calling his name, but the wind carried it off in the other direction. Before I could reach him, the tide came in and a giant wave grabbed me up and dragged me out to sea.

I awoke this morning to the sound of crashing waves and the feel of rocks poking me in the back. I opened my eyes and found myself lying face up on a pile of rocks at the edge of the water. I groaned and pulled myself to my feet. There was blood on my shirt and my pant leg was ripped clear up to my thigh.

I hobbled back onto the sand where I saw Britt being attacked by a seagull. “Drop the tuna sandwich!” I yelled. She threw it a few feet away and the seagull let go of her eyelid and went after it.

She ran towards me with a gleam in her one good eye. “Guess what?”

“You’re high on crystal meth.”

“No. Last night I conga danced with Clay and his crew.”

“Bite me.”

“Kim Locke was there and she totally depantsed him! I. Saw. Everything.”

“You saw Clay Aiken’s dingle in the moonlight?”

“Yup”. She smiled proudly.

“That’s my ultimate fantasy. Damn you! Why didn’t you come get me?”

“ Cause you were mad at me and I’ve been afraid of you ever since that time you chased me with a mechanical pencil after I said Clay was girly.”

I shook my fist at her as I remembered.

“But as I saw last night, he’s all man.”

“Did you at least take pictures?”

“No.”

“Come back when you have pictures!”

As I stormed off, I looked back over my shoulder and shouted, “If you got drunk and made out with him, this friendship is over!”

I took my own cab to the airport so I wouldn’t have to look at her face during the drive.

I was too early to board the plane, so I sat down in the airport’s restaurant and wolfed down some tacos. Then I hung around nursing some wine coolers until I felt the tacos making a plea for an exit.

I ran around for 25 minutes trying to find the only bathroom in the entire airport. “Stupid Hawaii airports and their one bathroom.” I muttered as I locked myself in.

As I did my business, I sang ‘Here, There’, Everywhere’.

Someone knocked on the door, ruining my concentration.

“I’m busy!” I shouted.

I went back to my singing, but they kept on knocking.

“Sit on it and spin, I’m busy!”

A familiar southern accent gasped in horror.

“Clay?”

I heard him gasp again and run away.

“No! Wait!” I ran towards the door with my pants around my ankles. I tripped and knocked my head on the door.

Crying, I climbed to my feet, pulled my pants up, and ran out the door.

“Clay!!”

I ran around a corner and saw the back of his red head run into the gate.

I ran towards him, but Britt grabbed me.

“Omg! You just missed Clay!”

“I know! Let go!” I tried to yank my arm out of her grip, but she held tight. She talked animatedly about how she spoke with Clay as she pulled me towards our departure area.

“He did not talk to you!”

“He did! He said he heard the voice of an angel singing, but then someone told him to “sit on it” and he got scared and ran away.”

I screamed, yanked my arm away, and ran off.

I didn’t see her again until we got on the plane to go home. She talked the flight crew into playing ‘From Justin To Kelly’ and it made me wanna puke.

“This is the greatest piece of cinematography since Baby Geniuses!”

I spent the greater part of the movie locked in the bathroom singing ‘Careless Whisper’ until a flight attendant pried the door open and yanked me out. I tried to cry on her shoulder, but she refused to let me.

I slumped down in my seat next to Britt. “This is the worst day ever!”

She yelped and grabbed my arm. “This night scene reminds me of Clay’s dingle!” She pointed to the movie screen.

I sulked the rest of the flight.