Clay and Kelly Clarkson were scheduled to appear live on On Air With Ryan Seacrest today. I knew a family had won tickets (The tickets that should have been mine!) to fly out to Hollywood and sit in the audience for the taping. When I heard this, I knew what I had to do. It was far time I met The Aiken.
I arrived at the studio early this morning. I waited outside for hours for the contest winning cheaters--- I mean, winners. I tried to play it casual as they walked past me into the building. As the youngest son walked by, I grabbed him by his collar and yanked him into an alley. I knocked him out and stole his shirt. I put it on over mine and donned a baseball cap. I pocketed the kid's ticket and slipped into the building.
I was seated with his family. They didn't seem to notice the difference. I said hi to whom I assumed to be the mother. I called her Mom. She told me to shut up and then she screamed Clay's name. I screamed it even louder. When Clay finally came out, the two of us broke into screaming fits, both trying to outdo the other.
During a commercial break, she stood up and yelled something about me not being the son she birthed. She threw me off my seat and onto the floor. Clay curled his legs up under his body so we could tumble at his feet. He grinned in amusement and kept saying "Oh goodness." over and over again. I couldn't relish the cuteness of the moment because the mother, who was now calling me "Billy, Spawn of Satan", was pummeling my face with her fists. She pulled my hat off, presumably to get at my hair. She gasped when my hair and not her son Billy's came tumbling out.
"Who the hell are you?" She asked me.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Where's my son?! Where's my precious Billy?!" Suddenly Spawn of Satan Billy was now as precious as gold.
I ripped off the boy's shirt, tossed it at his mother and ran out of the studio, security in hot pursuit. I heard Clay let out one more "oh goodness" before I took off out the front door.
So my plans to meet Clay were foiled this time. But I'll be back. Oh yes, I'll be back.