Megan Mullally hosted last night's episode of Saturday Night Live. I enjoy her work, but not enough to travel halfway across the country to watch a live taping. My brother Jason however, does. He bribed, blackmailed, and threatened me to go with. I finally agreed under the condition that he let me sleep the entire drive there.
A few hours into the drive, I was awakened by someone shaking me through the passenger window. "Please step out of the car, ma'am."
I climbed out to find a police officer standing there with his arms crossed, looking disapprovingly at me. "Are you aware that the kid you let drive is only 14?"
I looked over at Jason who was lying on his stomach, hands behind his back. "You're 14?"
I looked back at the cop. "I don't even know that kid."
"Yes you do, ma'am. He's your brother. We ran a DNA test while you were asleep." He handed me the results, but it just looked like a bunch of spots on a piece of paper. "This means nothing to me."
"It means something to me." He pulled out his handcuffs. "Please turn around."
I screamed. I grabbed Jason's collar and yanked him to his feet. "Let's go! Let's go!" We jumped into the car and sped off. The squad car followed for a few miles, then gave up and pulled into a coffee shop.
When we finally showed up at the SNL studios yesterday morning, they told us Jason was too young to get in.
"Damn you! Too young to drive! Too young to go to a taping of SNL! To young for the stripper I got for your birthday!"
"Sorry."
"Sorry? She was high class! Do you know how much that cost me?"
He mumbled under his breath and tried to hide the tears filling his eyes. "Don't start that!!" I slapped him. "We've come this far to see Megan and Megan we're going to see."
That didn't do much to lift his spirits.
"Come with me." I said.
I snuck him around the corner and into an alley, where I slipped a pair of sunglasses on him. I pulled a fake mustache and a tube of glue out of my pocket. He stopped me when I tried to apply the glue above his lip. "What is that?"
"It's glue."
"Will it come off?"
"No. That's why it's called glue."
Before he could stop me, I glued the mustache on and put a baseball cap on his head.
We headed back to the main entrance. The ticket man stopped us. "Who's this and where's your brother?"
"What brother? I'm an only child."
He looked at Jason suspiciously.
"You were just here with a kid."
"No, I wasn't. I've never been here in my life."
"Hold on. I need to call security."
"The customer is always right!"
Jason and I ran off before security could show up.
After some sleuthing, we found out where the SNL after party was being held and headed over there. A man was holding the door open and I assumed he was a bouncer. "Um... we're with the crew." It turned out he was just some guy. He stepped aside and let us through the door.
Before I could blink, Jason was gone. I scanned the crowd and found him running across the room towards Megan. I stood where I was and watched the cast mingle with each other.
I spotted Amy Poehler across the room and I waved to her. "Amy! Amy!" She gave me a horrified look and nudged the tall redhead next to her with her elbow. His face turned towards me. I found myself captivated as I caught a glimpse of those freckled cheeks, auburn spikes, and dainty lips. The room slowed down like in the movies, as did my breathing and heart rate. Music filled my head.
Take my breath away -
Take my breath away.
I gulped as this beautiful angel in front of me laughed at something Amy said. His green eyes sparkled and I expected a halo to appear above his head and carry him upwards to Heaven, back from where he came.
Take my breath away -
Take my breath away.
His gaze turned to me and our eyes met for a split second before a security guard slammed into me. The music stopped and the room returned to normal.
I was dragged to the door and tossed outside. Jason wasn't far behind. "I touched Megan!" He screamed. "Smell my hands! Smell them!" He shoved his fingers in my face. "Ew!" I pushed his hands away roughly and he tumbled to the ground.
I pressed my face against the window and watched the unidentified beauty fraternize with the mere mortals that surrounded him. He couldn't have been real. Nothing that beautiful could possibly draw a breath of air without killing it with desire.
"I've found my one true love."
Jason climbed to his feet and dusted off his pants. "Who is he?"
"I don't know."
Jimmy Fallon passed by. I grabbed his arm and pulled him in front of the window. "Who is that?"
He looked through the window in a state of awe. "That... that's Clay Aiken."
My voice oozed the same tone of awe. "Wow."
Jimmy nodded slowly. "Yeah."
Jason also nodded slowly. "I voted for Ruben."
I knocked him to the ground again.
This Clay Aiken fellow was still laughing with Amy and his lips called out to me. I pushed my face against the glass to get a closer look. He looked right at me, lust in his eyes, and I heard his voice in my head. "I'm hot and bothered and I want you to take me now."
"Yes! Yes I will take you now!"
Jimmy inched away from me. "Uh... no. I got to go."
"No! I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to Clay!" He was gone before he could hear me.
I went back to the window. Clay was giggling with a couple of other people and I felt myself falling further into the spell of his smile.
SNL producer Lorne Michaels came outside and told me to take my nose off the window and to quit bothering his cast.
I pointed to Clay. "But that man! I must meet him!"
"That's Clay Aiken, ma'am. No one meets Clay Aiken."
He chased us away, so went back to the hotel where we spent 3 hours trying to get Jason's mustache off. He got glue and fake mustache hair all over his hands, but refused to wash them. "These hands touched Megan Mullally's elbow. They shall never be washed."