I was sitting around in my skivvies watching my Clay Aiken Christmas DVD when I had the craving for cheese dogs. So I threw on some pants and went to the store.

When I stepped out of the car, I saw a boisterous crowd on the other end of the parking lot. In the middle of the group, a spiky head stuck out. His loud laughter bellowed through the half empty parking lot. There was no mistaking that it was Clay.

I followed his entourage through the lot, ducking behind cars and humming the Mission Impossible theme. I got too into what I was doing and lost track of the crowd. By the time I reached the door, Clay and his gang were already inside and store employees were stationed out front to keep people from entering.

“Evening, gents.” I said, as I made my way to the door. One of employees, a rather tall teenage boy, clamped a hand on my shoulder to stop me. “You can’t go in there.”

I yanked his hand off my shoulder and said “Excuse you, Pimples. But Clay Aiken is in there.”

I headed back towards the door, but the manager stepped forward and grabbed me by the elbow. “Clay said he saw some weird girl running around in the parking and he’s a little scared.”

“I am not weird! I’m not weird!”

“Ma’am… I think we’d all agree that you are.” The other 3 employees nodded in agreement.

“This is a public facility!” I shouted.

“His people have requested that no costumers be allowed in until he’s done buying his milk.”

“I have people too!”

We glanced around the empty parking lot.

“They’re on a break. I give my people breaks.”

They all rolled their eyes at each other.

“Now if you’ll excuse me. I need to get cheese dogs… for my people.”

I walked towards the door, but all 4 employees crowded together to block it. “Um… excuse me. But you’re blocking my way.”

They didn’t budge.

“I need my cheese dogs!!”

I pressed my face against the window. “By the way, do you think he’s buying condoms?”

Pimple Boy wrinkled up his nose. “Ew”.

“Like you’ve ever seen a condom.” I said as I shot a glare at him.

I pressed my face against the glass again and strained to see Aiken walking through the aisle. “I just thought maybe he was ready for OUR night.”

They looked at me bewildered.

“After we consummate our love, he’ll start singing. “I see skies of blue. Red roses too.”

They started dragging me towards the parking lot. I continued singing. “And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.” When they reached the cars, they let go of me and headed back to their post.

“I want my cheese dogs!” I yelled before I ran around the side of the building.

Pulling up to the store earlier, I noticed a man ringing a bell and collecting money by the exit doors. I snuck around the back of the building and over to the side where the man was standing ringing his bell. I casually walked up to him. I smiled as I slipped by hands into my pocket. “Let me just pull a quarter out of my pocket.” I took an innocent step towards him, then quickly pulled by hand from my pocket and elbowed him in the face. “Oops the wind!” I said, in case the guys guarding the other door noticed. They didn’t. So I grabbed the man by the wrists and dragged his lifeless body around to the side of the building. Then I grabbed his bell and stationed myself outside the door, waiting for Clay to come out.

“Ho ho ho!” I shouted as I rang the bell.

Jerome came out with a handful of money. His 7 foot frame towered over me as he stuck the money in the pot saying, “Courtesy of Mr. Aiken.”

I took a bottle of chloroform out of my pocket, pulled my scarf off, and dumped some on it. I jumped on Jerome’s back and put the soaked scarf over his mouth and nose. He swung around trying to knock me off. I poured the rest of the chloroform on the scarf and held it tight against Jerome’s face. I figured that would do the trick, so I jumped down and waited for him to fall like a tree. “What’s that smell?” was all he said.

“Damn you!” I threw the empty bottle to the ground. I motioned to a dump truck waiting in the shadows of the parking lot and it backed up to the door. *beep beep beep beep*

I snapped my fingers and it dumped 7 tons of chloroform onto Jerome’s head. Then it drove off.

“Wow…. I feel sleepy.” He teetered for a minute and then fell backward. As he was falling, his arm knocked over the pot of change. It came flying into my head and I fell backwards into a bush.

I heard the door opened and saw through blurry vision that Clay was walking out. I reached my arm out for him and tried to call his name, but no sound came out. I was weak from the hit in the head and smell of the chloroform was starting to reach my nose.

Clay tripped over my outstretched arm and muttered, “Darn these clumsy feet.”

One of his friends said “You know what they say about guys with big feet.” I listened closer for Clay to say whether or not it’s true. But instead, I passed out, mumbling, “Size 13 and a half feet”.

I woke up in the back of Ryan’s Porsche. To my surprise, instead of molesting me, he was holding a vigil. Candles were on the floor and lined up along the dashboard. He was leaning over the passenger seat, doing a strip tease to the tune of Invisible. I watched if only because it was Clayton’s song. As soon as the song was done, I began to have a flashback to the night Ryan sullied me on that very seat. It was so real, as if it was happening all over again. When I started screaming hysterically, Ryan climbed on top of me and started softly brushing my hair back. I held back the urge to vomit.

I said I was starving and requested he go get me some Chinese food.

“Is this a trick?” He asked wearily.

“Would I trick you? Of course not. I’ll be here when you return. Now go.”

He ran to the Chinese restaurant down the street. As soon as he was out of sight, I got out of the car. I paused for a moment, climbed back in, stole his CD player, and then ran off.