If I have ever received a sign that Clay and I are meant to be, it came this Thanksgiving. In a movie theater during a showing of Rent. Yeah, I know I should have spent the holiday at home with my family and not in a movie theater, but last year there was a fiasco involving cranberry sauce and I just couldn’t bare a repeat of the event.

Like a magnet, Britt, Jenn, and I were drawn to a theater about 2 hours away. Actually not really like a magnet. We gave in because Brittney said they had the best nachos in the state.

As we were walking towards the front door of the theater, I caught the delicious scent of turkey. “Do you guys smell that?”

“No!” Britt shouted. “I don’t smell anything! I don’t smell turkey!”

I held the door open for her and as she passed by I noticed her bulging belly. “What the – “

I yanked open her trench coat and saw a full-sized turkey, cooked and stuffed.

“Are you crazy? You can’t bring a turkey in there!”

“But it’s Thanksgiving! I always have turkey!”

“Well maybe if you hadn’t sold your little brother’s bike on ebay, you’d be allowed to go home for Thanksgiving!”

“You know I needed that money to join the official Ryan Seacrest fan club.”

“Dude, he doesn’t even have a fan club.” Jenn said.

“He doesn’t?”

“You were scammed big time. They saw you comin’.”

“I was wondering why I had to send the money to a PO box in Wyoming.”

I tried pushing Brittney and her turkey back out the door, but she resisted. “Come on! I’ll let you have the drumstick.”

I do love me some drumsticks. But I also love Rent and didn’t want to get us thrown out like that time we snuck in gyros and cheese fries and were tossed out the back door.

“You can have both.”

I stopped pushing her. “Deal.”

We bought tickets and snacks and headed into the theater.

I heard Clay giggling before I saw him. When I turned the corner and saw the back of his head, I jumped and bumped into Jenn, spilling her coke down my back.

I let out a string of colorful language as it soaked through my shirt. Fortunately Clay couldn’t hear me over his friends chanting for him to take chug his orange Fanta.

“I need to take my shirt off.” I whispered to Britt and Jenn.

“No.” Jenn whispered back. “Last time you did that we were thrown out of the theater.”

“Brittney dumped Milkduds into my bra and they were starting to melt.”

“That movie sucked anyway.” Jenn said.

“No!” Brittney shouted, almost dropping the turkey. “That movie was classic!”

“For the last time, From Justin to Kelly is nowhere near the word classic. The word needed to describe that movie hasn’t been invented yet. Now let’s sit down.” I motioned them towards the row behind Clay and company.

Jenn continued our whispered argument as we headed into the row. “You don’t invent words. You steal them from other languages and alter them.”

“Whatever.” I hissed over my shoulder at her.

A large figure dressed in black swooped his giant hand at us, knocking us back into the aisle. It was Jerome, the bodyguard. I shook my fist at him. He shook his back and made us sit 6 rows behind Clay.

“You’re on my list, Jerome!” I shouted.

As soon as we were seated comfortably with our shoes off and our pants unbuttoned, Brittney pulled the turkey out of her coat.

I grabbed a leg, ripped it off, and ravaged it like a lion.

I heard Clay’s heavenly voice say, “I smell turkey!” He tried to get up and come get some, but his friends held him down. They turned and glared at me like they knew me. I had never seen any of them. Clay was probably telling them our business again.

He turned and winked at me. Oh my God, I swear he winked at me. Britt thinks it was the piece of popcorn I threw at his head, but whatever.

The lights went down and the movie started. Before it was halfway over, I had polished off two turkey legs, a bucket of popcorn, a large coke, and three orders of nachos.

I went out to the concession stand to purchase another order of nachos and another drink.

When I came back, I tiptoed towards Clay’s row, but Jerome’s giant hand knocked me back into the aisle again.

“Don’t make me angry.” He whispered through his teeth.

“Okay, okay. Geez.”

I went back to my seat to enjoy the rest of the movie. I set the wishbone on the seat next to me so that Clay and I could make a wish on it after the movie. He’d wish for my love, I’d wish for his, the stars would align, and then it would be so.

When the movie ended, as the lights were coming up, I heard gentle weeping coming from behind me. I turned around to see Ryan blowing his nose on his shirt. “That movie was so sad.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I had a feeling… so I came to see the movie.”

Brittney freaked out when she saw him and started screaming about marrying him and baring his children.

“Where’s the wishbone?” She shouted. “Where’s the wishbone?” She leaned over me to grab it.

“No!!! That’s for me and Clay!!”

“No! It’s for me and Ryan!”

Jenn jumped over the two of us and tried snatching the wishbone from our hands. “It’s for me! Me and myself have a wish to make!!”

“You’re going to break it!” I shouted.

“Then let go!!” Britt and Jenn shouted at the same time.

“Over my dead body!!”

“If that’s the way you want it!” Jenn said as she shoved me onto the floor and sat on my face.

I tried to scream but my voice was smothered by her butt flesh.

I could feel Brittney’s heels digging into my calf, but I still had the wishbone safe in the palm of my hand. I had to get out from under the abyss and get to Clay before he left. I did what every desperate woman in my position would do. I bit Jenn in the butt.

She screamed and jumped off me.

An usher and the theater manager were heading over towards us.

“Quick! Shove the bones under the seat.” Jenn grabbed all the bones she could and pushed them under my seat. I did the same.

“We were just leaving, sir.” I pushed Jenn and Britt towards the aisle. “Lovely theater you have here.”

I glanced over at Clay’s aisle while we were hurrying out. It was empty. I scowled at them.