I went to the store to buy another copy of ‘Merry Christmas With Love’ to ease the whole Cousin Oliver pain. I had to snatch the last copy from the hands of a little girl. Sounds cruel, but that’s how it is when times gets rough. I was just helping her see that in life, when something is finally in your grasp, someone else is going to snatch it away. And it’ll probably be someone who doesn’t need or deserve it. The younger she learned this the better.

I drove around for hours listening to it to avoid going home. All night yesterday, Oliver kept calling me Peter and this morning when I woke up, my hair was in curls.

Finally my troubles were forgotten and I headed home. I walked in the front door singing ‘Mary Did You Know‘.

“Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?”

The joy rushed out of my body when I saw that blonde rat sitting on the couch eating my homemade Twinkies.

As soon as he saw me he jumped up.

“Peter, will you make me some pork chops and applesauce?”

“No!” I yelled!

I pushed him back down on the couch and went to my computer. I needed to listen to some more Clay to lower my blood pressure.

To my dismay, all of my Clay files had been replaced with Brady Bunch songs.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

I fled the apartment and hopped back in my car.

I drove around town muttering angrily to myself. “He wouldn’t let my cousin come stay with us, but when it’s his cousin, sure no problem. Well, I’ll show him. I will not be cancelled!!”

I threw my hands up and started weeping. My tears reminded me of the tears I had cried earlier today when I couldn’t get tickets to Clay’s Christmas show. I had to use my concert funds to buy that blasted Oliver some new glasses. I had punched him in the face when he said he had voted for Ruben. So needless to say, I was very distraught.

“But he’s having a 20 piece orchestra. And a conductor.” I softly sobbed. “A conductor.”

Suddenly, Oliver popped up in the backseat. “Where are we going, Peter?”

I screamed and swerved off the road into a ditch.

I shut the engine off and turned to glare at him. “Look what you did, you little turd!”

“Hey Peter, I got an idea.” He jumped into the passenger seat.

“My name isn’t Peter!”

He ignored me. “Let’s go visit your brother Greg and see if he wants to buy some hair tonic.”

“I don’t have a brother named Greg! And what the hell is hair tonic?”

I got out of the car and knelt down in the snow. “Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this?” I screamed up at the sky.

“Peter! Peter!” Oliver came running around the car towards me.

I shook my fist at the sky.

“Let’s build a snowman!”

“No!”

I pushed him down into the snow and walked away. He started building a snowman on his own.

As I was walking down the road, a priest stepped out in front of me. “Excuse me, ma’am. I’m Father Giovanni from the St. Bernard Catholic Church down the road.”

“Okay.”

“I can tell by your ‘I Love Clay Aiken’ bumper sticker that you love Clay Aiken.”

“Um… yeah. Duh.” I pointed to my Clay shirt, belt buckle, and shoelaces.

He held up two concert tickets. I looked closely at them. They were for the Christmas show in Chicago. The very show I couldn’t afford tickets to. I turned towards Oliver’s direction and shook my fist at him.

I turned back to the priest and put my hands on my hips. “You trying to rub it in my face.”

“I’m here to make a deal. I’ll sell you these tickets.”

“Don’t you think if I had money for tickets, I’d already have them?” I pulled out my empty pockets to prove it

Then I had a thought. I looked from the priest to Oliver and back to the priest again. I winked at him. He winked back.

I took the tickets, got in the car, and went home, leaving Oliver in the care of Father Giovanni. When Pat asked where he was, I lied and said his parents had gotten back together and had come to pick him up.

A few hours later, I saw on the news that the St. Bernard Catholic Church had been cancelled.