When I got home from work this afternoon, a 10 year old blonde boy with glasses was sitting on the couch watching Spongebob Squarepants in the living room.

“Who the hell are you?” I snapped.

“Who the hell are you?” He snapped back.

There was something familiar about him. He reminded me of someone I’d seen on TV.

I stood in the doorway watching him until I noticed he was wearing one of my Clay T-shirts. I knew it was mine because I had written ‘this shirt is mine’ all over it in black marker.

“That’s my shirt!”

“This piece of crap is yours?”

That was it. He had done it. He had crossed a line.

I lunged for him and grabbed him by his shoulders. I lifted him up to my eye level.

“Take my shirt off.” I said through clenched teeth.

“That would be a bit inappropriate ma’am.”

“Don’t ma’am me! Now take that shirt off!”

I put his feet back on the ground and started pulling the shirt off of him. He wouldn’t hold still long enough for me to get a good grip.

“You wearing this shirt is a sin!”

He kicked and screamed while I pulled and tugged.

Eventually, Pat came running into the room. “What is going on?” He pulled me and the kid apart.

“That crazy woman just attacked me!” Shouted the kid, as he pushed his glasses back up on his nose.

“That hoodlum is wearing my shirt! That is sacred cloth! Sacred!”

I went after him again, but Pat kept us separated with his arms. “Calm down!”

I stood back and composed myself. “Who is he and why is he wearing my shirt?”

“This is my Cousin Oliver. He needed something to wear.”

That was it! He looked like the kid who played Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch. No. He was Cousin Oliver. I knew it was true as he pushed his glasses up again and squinted at me.

“Why is he here?” I said suspiciously.

“He’s here to save the ratings.”

“The ratings? What?”

“I said his parents are separating.”

“Oh… Well, why does he have to stay here?” I asked.

“We need him to save the show.”

“Show? What?”

“Shovel snow. I have a bad back.”

He looked bewildered by my horrified expression.

“What is wrong with you?”

He obviously didn’t remember what happened to the Brady Bunch once Cousin Oliver came to live with them.

I screamed.

“What is wrong with you?” Pat asked again.

I pointed at Oliver. “You ruined the Brady Bunch! But you won’t do it to my life! I will not be cancelled!!”

I screamed and ran outside.