Clay was going to be on this week's cover of TV Guide. I didn't know when it was supposed to hit the shelves, so I called the local supermarket every day, every hour on the hour.

Yesterday, they had Caller ID installed and stopped answering my calls. I ended up going down there this morning and hanging around outside. I sold raffle tickets for a raffle that didn't exist to customers exiting the store. They were really just some old Chuckie Cheese tickets I had found in the dumpster, but I was selling them for a dollar a pop.

I stopped my scam every so often to go check the magazine rack. Eventually, I was approached outside by two police officers, one of which knew me by name.

"Miss Thorson."

"Hello Bob." I flatly greeted him.

"I'm going to have to ask you to pack it up and take it home."

"But I'm waiting for the Clay Aiken TV guide."

"I know. The store manager will call you when the issue is on the shelf."

"Yeah right, they'll call me! Just like how Music World made me reserve a copy of the Backstreet Boys Christmas album! They said they'd call me when it came in and guess what? 4 years later and they never called!"

"Calm down, Patti. You're making a scene."

I ignored him. "And you know why they never called? Cause the album never came out!"

They started dragging me towards their squad car.

"It was never even recorded! I want my 2 dollars back!"

They pulled me into the back of the car, kicking and screaming.

"I want my 2 dollars back!"

I yelled it the entire way home. When they dropped me off at my apartment, I talked them into buying two raffle tickets.

To bide my time waiting for the store to call, I downloaded several pictures of what the cover looked like. They were all the same picture, but at different sizes, angles, and shades of colors. One was black and white. One was sepia tinted. Another was a negative. My eyes started to ache from staring at the screen, so I laid down to daydream about the moment Clay would propose to me. I made a mental note to write down every little detail and send it to Clay, so when the moment came it would happen exactly as I had planned.

Finally, the store manager called to inform me the TV guide was in. Since the cops had driven me home, my car was still in the parking lot of the grocery store. Pat refused to drive me any place where I was going to spend our rent money on "glossy pieces of paper", so I walked.

On the way through the parking lot, some jerk in a pick-up truck almost ran me over.

"I have the right of way! I'm a pedestrian!"

The driver flipped me off. I would have flipped him back, but I knew Clayton would not approve. I shook my fist instead.

"Have you ever read the rules of the road book? Pedestrians!!!"

Once inside, I grabbed every copy of the TV guide from every shelf. Then I headed to the express lane with my stack.

I pushed my way to the head of the line. "Excuse me. Important business here."

"Hey! That's more than 12 items!" Said a lady holding a frozen ham.

"You shut up or I'll shove that frozen ham up your nose."

I dropped them on the belt and turned to the cashier. "Now hurry up. I have to get these to the poor. And be careful with the pages."

He carefully scanned the first copy and put it in a bag. As he went to put the second copy in the same bag, I gasped.

I grabbed his arm. "Careful I said! That means one per bag!"

As we were arguing over the plight of plastic shortage, the manager walked up. I recognized his voice as the man who called me. He removed the rest of the copies and threw them in a cart.

"I wanna buy those!"

"I'm sorry ma'am. You can't do that. You need to save some for the other customers."

"It doesn't say one per customer."

"It's implied, ma'am."

"No!"

"It's only fair." He insisted.

"But they don't even want a copy!" I looked at the lady with the ham. "Do you?"

She slammed her ham down on the belt and stormed off.

"See? She doesn't care."

I reached for a handful of magazines, but he stopped me.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"No! Not again!"

Officer Bob and his partner walked up.

"Not this again." Said his partner.

"Get used to it." He said to her.

I grabbed a handful of TV Guides from the cart and ran towards the door. The door was an entrance rather than an exit, so it didn't open. I slammed into it. The TV Guides went flying as I fell to the ground.

Officer Bob came up and lifted me to my feet. He cuffed me and led me out the door.

Back at police headquarters, I was locked in a cell alone crying softly when Officer Bob opened the door. "We're not gonna file charges. You can go."

As I slowly walked out of the cell, he slipped me a copy of the TV guide. I squealed with glee as I jumped up and hugged him. Then I ran for the door. Right before I could open it, Ryan stepped in.

I screamed and ran back inside the cell. "Lock me up! Lock me up!"

Officer Bob distracted Ryan with some shiny pink fabric while I snuck out the back door.